He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
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