What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Randomize
