hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
I will pee on everything he values.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Randomize
