im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Randomize
