I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
We named our party play list daddy issues
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
