So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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