got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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