I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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