When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Randomize
