Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
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