I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
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