She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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