just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
