I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
I'd wear matching sweaters with you
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
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