It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
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