you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
