To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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