my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
Randomize
