I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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