oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Randomize
