were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Randomize
