Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
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