This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Everclear isn't food dammit
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Randomize
