Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
