Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Randomize
