My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
