The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
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