i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Randomize
