Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
Randomize
