apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
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