I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
