In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Randomize
