My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
