so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
