I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
