just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
