What tipped you off? The sombrero?
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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