I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
