some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
