I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
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