I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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