omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize