Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Randomize