i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
