Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
Randomize
