Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
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