I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
