Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Randomize
