see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
I fill condoms, not promises.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
