I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
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