it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
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