Capitaan dildo arrescate!
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Randomize
