i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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