What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Randomize
