So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
