Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
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