After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
