Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
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