So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Randomize
