Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
tonight lets celebrate not being married
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Randomize
