I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
