I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
