you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
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