i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
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