dats a huuuuuge bitch!
who is this????
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
