The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Randomize
