You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
I am in a vortex of obligation.
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
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