I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize