hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize